


Suckerpunch

by GhostOpera



Series: Handle Him With Care [2]
Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, jacksepticeye - Fandom, markiplier - Fandom, pixlpit - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'll add more tags as I add chapters since I don't want to spoil it, Jealousy, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Scars, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of abuse, mentions of drug use, past-abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-02-17 00:39:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13065519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostOpera/pseuds/GhostOpera
Summary: Robin's insecurities and fears have been plaguing his and Seán's relationship for almost two years now, and Robin fears that he's going to lose Seán to Mark or someone else.





	1. Don't Let Go

 

Robin wasn't sure the last time he checked the clock was, but he knew that it was late. At least three in the morning - or something close to it. He kept looking over at Seán, wondering if he should wake him up and talk to him like he always promised he would. It was too late to talk, though, right? Seán would be angry at him for waking him up at such a time just to talk about things that didn't matter anymore. What was he supposed to say? That he was scared to be going to LA for PAX this year and seeing Mark? That he had a lot of issues with Mark? That he was so insecure that he almost didn't like Jack having other friends? He couldn't do that. He couldn't let almost two years of their relationship go down the drain like that because he couldn't keep his own emotions at bay.

 

It's not that he didn't like Mark or Ethan or any of them, he liked them very much, but it's more of he didn't trust them with Seán. He always feared of Seán being taken away from him, not being able to keep Seán happy, or being enough for him. Jack always told him that he had nothing to fear, and it assured Robin for the time being, but the thought always lingered in the back of his mind. Robin knew he wasn't anything special; he didn't have the greatest body, the greatest hair, the prettiest eyes, or anything that some of Seán's other friends had. He knew that he would never be enough for Jack. Jack deserved someone just as energetic as he was, someone that enjoyed life as much as he did, not someone like Robin.

 

Trying to shake the thoughts, Robin finally laid down in bed and grabbed his phone, scrolling through twitter and Tumblr and replying to a few things here and there. Nothing really distracted him completely, but he found it boring enough to make him tired and shut his eyes and finally fall into a light sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems short now, but I promise chapters will be longer in the future!


	2. Electricity

"Can we take a nap first?" Robin whined, leaning against Jack's body as they walked off the plane, "It's been twelve hours and I haven't slept for any of it." He rubbed his eyes and looked up at Jack, who was tapping away at his phone; he was probably texting Mark and telling him that they just got here. His heart tightened when he thought about Mark. Why did he have to hang out with Mark so much on this trip? Why couldn't they just spend time together at the con? No, it wasn't right to think that. He didn't own Jack, and Jack was free to do anything he damn well pleased. Why were these thoughts always worse when he was tired? Robin looked up at Seán again and hugged him close, protectively almost, "Let's go to our hotel and take a nap. We're both tired, right?"

 

"I can't, baby," Jack said sadly, running his fingers through Robin's hair, kissing his cheek, "I've got to get dressed and get ready for the con. It's in three hours. I have to meet with Mark after the con and film a few things with him. I know it sucks, baby, and I wish we had time to do stuff together before it, but there's always tomorrow. I'm not doing anything, but.. I can do you if you prefer." The Irishman smiled softly at his boyfriend and kissed his forehead, laughing when he saw a pink blush spread across Robin's face, "You know that I'll always make time for you no matter what. I'll tell you what... If I'm not too terribly tired after I film everything with Mark, then I'll take you out to dinner. Or if we're both not quite feeling like going out, we can order in and I'll give you a massage. Does that sound okay?"

 

Even though Jack knew he would probably be way too tired to do any of that, and Robin probably would be too, he couldn't say that he was too busy to make time for him. He knew how Robin was, and while sometimes it got in the way of things, he loved Robin very much and tried to keep him happy. It was hard - it was really hard, but Robin had had a long history of neglect and abuse and he couldn't help it. Sure, he didn't always feel like putting up with it and he didn't have a choice, but he would have it no other way. He cared for Robin very deeply and would do anything to put him back together again.

 

Jack wrapped an arm around the Swede's waist as they made their way to the baggage claim, laughing to himself as he thought about all the fun times they would have with Mark and Ethan and the rest of the gang. He knew Robin got jealous easily, but he knew that as long as they were there together, everything would be okay, "Would you want to do a challenge video with Mark and everyone else? I'm sure they would love to have you join us."

 

Robin tensed at the mention of Mark, his eyes scanning the baggage claim area. A challenge video? One of those stupid videos that Mark does that he thinks are funny? Why would Jack want to even participate in one of those? He scoffed and shook his head, "No. I think those are stupid, and I don't even know why you would want to do one of them." He grabbed his bag from the carousel and shook his head, "I try to support what you do, but sometimes I think you just do it to get more subscribers."

 

"Hey," Jack snapped, holding a finger out at Robin, "I know you're grumpy and tired, but don't even begin to start with me. Understand?" He grabbed his own bag and tugged Robin along with him, loosening his grip when he heard Robin squeak and saw him shrink away as he spoke, "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to get mad at you like that." He kissed the Swede's lips softly and sighed, "You know how I get when it comes to my job, but I'm sorry. It's not your fault."

 

The second Jack began to raise his voice, Robin began to curl in on himself and scan the room - looking for a way out if he needed one. He knew he probably wouldn't need one, but it was just what he did now. After growing up in an abusive home and being drawn into abusive relationships with both women and men, or sometimes even both at once, it's just what he did. He always looked for either someone he could run to for help, or a way he could easily escape. However, when Jack lowered his voice and began to apologise, Robin relaxed and released the breath that he didn't know he was holding, "I-It's okay..." He whispered, gripping onto the necklace he wore around his neck, "I didn't mean what I said."

 

 

As the two arrived at the hotel and headed into their room, Robin had calmed down and Jack had been extra careful when talking to him. The sudden snap of his voice had made Robin weary of Seán and he knew it. He hated making Robin nervous around him, but only time could help. He closed the door quietly and watched as Robin stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, probably thinking he had to have permission to lay down on the bed. Seán sighed and moved towards Robin, keeping his hands in sight at all times so Robin knew he meant no harm, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, my love. All is forgiven. Now I'm going to get ready, but you should get some sleep. You look exhausted. Can you do that for me?" When Robin nodded and kicked off his shoes and curled up under the blankets, Jack smiled brightly and took off his beanie before handing it to the Swede, "There you go. I know you like to have my scent when I'm not there with you. So it's fresh now." He knelt down and kissed Robin's forehead, "I'll be in the other room if you need me. I love you."

 

"I love you too," Robin whispered, squeezing Jack's beanie in his hand as he closed his eyes, almost immediately falling into a light sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully updates will be slightly regular. I'd absolutely love some feedback!


	3. Tell Me, Mechanist

All throughout the panel Mark and Jack had been rather close, sparking jealousy in Robin. The way Mark would put his arm around Jack and pull him into a cute hug just like he did made Robin want to storm up there and rip Jack away from the other man and tell him to not touch him anymore. Everything Mark and Jack did made Robin want to stand up and cry and throw a complete fit. He knew he couldn't - of course he couldn't. He would make Seán practically die of embarrassment, and not to mention break up with him. It was stupid to think that he owned Jack like that; there was absolutely nothing he could do to keep Jack away from Mark. They were friends, good friends, and that was the end of that. If Seán had really liked Mark then he wouldn't have moved in with Robin, he wouldn't have told him he loved him every night and helped him try and overcome each and every one of his silly insecurities. No, Seán never once said that they were silly or that they didn't matter; he did all he could to help reassure Robin that he was loved very much and that his feelings mattered. Sure, it helped Robin for the time being, but it never helped him in the long run. Those negative thoughts always stayed in the back of his mind, and even with as much as he wished that they would go away, they never did.

 

 

After the panel had finished and everyone was walking off stage, Robin stood up and rushed backstage to congratulate Jack. He poked his head around the corner, feeling a bit of anger spark in him when he saw Mark's arm around Jack, though it quickly fizzled out when he saw Jack trying to pull away. He walked over to Jack and grabbed his hand, pressing a kiss to his knuckles, "Good panel, baby. I enjoyed watching you dance like that." His eyes trailed over to Mark, who had finally pulled his arm away when he saw Robin, "You too. You did great."

 

"Thank you," Mark replied, keeping his eyes averted from Robin's gaze. He looked over at Jack and sighed, "I'll see you later then to wrap up filming." He waved to Robin and walked off, feeling like he just got punched in the stomach. He'd always had a crush on Jack since they'd done their first video together, but ever since he got with Robin he'd noticed a change in Jack's personality. Robin was toxic to him, whether or not Jack saw it, it was the truth. Robin was not right for Jack and he knew something needed to be done about it.

 

"Thanks, baby," Jack beamed, cuddling Robin close and holding him protectively as Mark went by, "It's okay. Mark was just trying to get the crowd worked up. I know how you feel about him, but it's okay." He took Robin's hand in his own and led him back to the bathroom, closing the stall door behind them and leaning against the wall, "Come here, baby. I know you're feeling neglected."

 

"No I'm not," lied Robin as he cuddled up into Jack's arms, laying his head on his chest. He let his eyes slip shut as his mind finally began to calm down, "I love you," he squeaked out, "And I don't want to lose you. I know how Mark feels about you and I know you don't deserve a mess like me so I... I'm always afraid that you're going to end up with him."

 

Listening to Robin's words made Seán's heart clench. Did being with Mark really bother him this much? Why had he not said anything before? If it really hurt Robin this much then he wouldn't see him anymore. He carded the fingers through the Swede's hair and rubbed his back, trying to think of something to say, "If it bothers you this much then I won't see him anymore," he said softly, kissing Robin's forehead resting is chin atop the ginger hair.

 

"See, I don't want you to do that," Robin squeaked out, stepping back from Jack and wrapping his arms around himself, "I just.. It's not my place to tell you who to see and who to be friends with. Even though it bothers me, it's not anything I have control over. I don't own you." Robin could feel a panic attack coming on, but he pushed it down. He had to stay here with Jack and support him. Like a good boyfriend should.

 

"Hey, hey, hey," Jack whispered, pulling Robin back into his arms and squeezing him tightly. He could tell that Robin was about to either burst into tears or fell to the ground in a panic attack - it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out when Robin was about to explode. He sighed and rocked back and forth, waiting until Robin's breathing evened out until he let go, "How about we go home and I'll tuck you in for a nap?"

 

"No," the Swede replied, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve, "I have to stay here and be with you and support you. That's what I have to do, right?" He had to keep Jack happy, or else Jack would leave him for Mark! He had to be understanding and supportive.

 

Deciding to compromise, Seán took Robin's hand in his own and smiled, "How about we go walk around for a little while and then we'll go home. Or we can leave right now and go home for a little while and then you can come with me to film with Mark to make sure he doesn't do anything. Does that sound like anything you want to do?"

 

"Okay.." Robin whispered, thinking for a minute about what to do. He could tell that Jack was willing to do either, and Robin wanted to stay for a while, he did, but he just couldn't do it, "Can we go home?"

 

"Sure, baby. Come on." Seán wrapped his arm around Robin's waist, holding him close so he would feel secure, "I'll tuck you in and hold you so you can take a nap."


	4. Babylon

"Hey, Robin.." Jack grumbled, shaking his boyfriend's sleeping form gently, "Baby wake up. We're gonna be late. Do you want to come with me to Mark's?" He knelt down beside the bed to get level with the Swede's face. He smiled and pressed a kiss to Robin's forehead, his smile widening when he watched his boyfriend's eyes flutter open, "Hey sleepyhead. Do you want to come with me to Mark's?"

 

"Sure," Robin whispered, slowly sitting up and cracking his neck. He dreaded seeing Mark, and he dreaded seeing Jack film some 'funny' video with him. Huffing, Robin rolled out of bed and stood up, pulling on his shoes and one of Jack's beanies before he latched onto his boyfriend and headed out the door, "Are we walking there or taking a über?" He asked shyly, rubbing Jack's hip with his thumb as they walked over to the elevator.

 

"We're going to walk. I'm trying not to spend a lot of money on getting around the city. It's only a fifteen minute walk. And I can hold your hand while we walk." Jack smiled and pecked Robin's cheek and then his lips, "I could hold you for ages. Just listening to you talk about animation and games and feeling those soft lips against mine. Let's do that tonight. We can order in and take a bath and just... Relax. I'd love that." He looked over at Robin, who had a noticeable blush on his face and was trying to keep from smiling too big, "I guess it's settled then. Tonight it's just us. No Mark, no fans, no work, just you and I." He spun Robin around on his finger and laughed, "Maybe tomorrow night we can go out. We can do something fancy."

 

Robin listened as Jack spoke, his smile growing bigger by the second, "You really want to go out and be seen with me? What about your reputation? Aren't you afraid people will talk if you're dating your editor? Your employee? I mean.. If people think that you are banging your employee then they're going to start talking about it and making mean assumptions. Especially since you're a guy and I'm a guy and we're dating and you never came out about it before and-" Robin squeaked when Jack tugged him into a kiss, cutting him off abruptly. He let his hands wander down on Jack's back, holding him impossibly close. He pulled away when he was finally breathless and tried to keep his emotions at bay, "I'm just - are you sure you want to be seen out with me? So intimately?"

 

"I've never been more sure of anything," Jack whispered, taking his boyfriend's hands in his own and tugging him along, "We're gonna go out tomorrow, have the time of our lives, and I don't give a shit about who sees us doing what. Okay?" He ducked his head some to look Robin in the eye and smiled, "I promise I don't mind. You're my boyfriend and I love you and I don't think it's right for someone to not be seen with their significant other. Now come on, we're gonna be late!" He laughed and tugged his love along, not stopping until they finally reached Mark's house. Seán knocked on the door and stepped back, turning to Robin and giving his hand a firm squeeze, "It's gonna be okay. You don't have to worry about Mark, I promise."

 

 

Mark had been scrambling about the house, trying to make things look a little nicer for when Jack finally came over. He'd changed clothes, cleaned the kitchen, gotten out his nicest camera so he could take pictures; anything he could really think of to clean or make nicer, really. When he heard the doorbell ring, he nearly tripped over himself so he could beat Tyler or Ethan to the door.

 

"Watch it!" Tyler had yelled at his friend as he was nearly knocked over.

 

"Sorry!" Mark yelled back, taking a moment to compose himself before he opened the door. His smile grew when he saw Jack, but it quickly faded some when he saw Robin standing by his side. Right. Of course. He should have known that Robin would be here. He never let Jack out of his sight, "Hey!" greeted Mark with artificial happiness, "Come on in. I straightened up a little bit for the video so I hope it doesn't look too bad."

 

"Oh, you're good," Jack laughed, patting Mark on the back, "Our house is messy almost all of the time. We clean it and then it gets messy about an hour later." He stepped into Mark's place, Robin following in after him, "Nice place." He looked back at Robin, who was just standing awkwardly, glaring at Mark. Sighing, he rubbed his boyfriend's shoulder and smiled, "Where and what are we filming?"

 

"I have a few things planned for us!" Mark beamed, pulling out his phone, "I have a try not to cringe challenge we can do, and a bottle flip challenge." His smile faded when he heard Robin scoff, his gaze turning to the Swede, "I'm sorry, if you don't like what we're doing here then you can leave. After all, you're not the one that will be doing it." Robin may have been Jack's boyfriend, but he wasn't about to let him interfere with what they did together; this was their career, not his. Robin was the _editor,_ not another star of the channel. He huffed and shook his head before turning back to Jack, "So I'm ready to film whenever you are."

 

"Mark," Jack scolded, crossing his arms and then turning to Robin, "Both of you be nice." There was so much tension that Jack could probably cut it with a knife, and he hated being stuck in the middle of it all. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Seán squeezed Robin's shoulder before turning back to the other man, "Yeah, I'm ready when you are. Let's go. Robin, are you coming?"

 

"No," Robin said quietly, kneeling down and letting Chica trot over to him, "I'll stay here and keep this girl company. I'm sure she wants it." He plopped down on the floor and leaned against the couch, smiling as the pup began to lick his face, "See? She loves me already."

 

"Well, statistically speaking, I guess someone has to," Mark sassed, grunting when Jack hit him in the arm.

 

Robin's face fell at Mark's words, his eyes already brimming with tears, "Yeah, I guess," he squeaked out, laying his head against Chica's.

 

"Mark, why don't you go get everything warmed up and I'll be back in a second. I need to use your bathroom." Seán nodded to Mark as he left, waiting until he was out of sight before he knelt down next to Robin and kissed his forehead, "Hey, sweetie. It's okay, I'm sorry. I don't like how he's talking to you. Let me talk to him, okay?" His eyes were soft as he spoke to his boyfriend, offering a reassuring smile, "I love you more than anything and no one is going to speak to you like that, understand?" When Robin nodded, Seán kissed him quickly before standing up and heading back into Mark's office, trying to keep himself calm.

 

He closed the door behind him and shook his head, "Mark, I know you don't like Robin all that much, but you don't get to speak to him like that. You wouldn't like it if someone spoke to you like that."

 

Mark ran a hand through his hair and sat down in his chair, "Jack, he's not right for you. He's toxic, and I know you don't quite understand it but.." He cut himself off when he saw Jack's expression, "I just think that he's going to end up causing a lot of problems."

 

Jack scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest - this time he was feeling angry. Truly angry. "You don't get to tell me who is and is not right for me. Robin has been through a lot and he's got some problems, but it's nothing that I'm not used to. I'm more than happy to help him. It's not a bother to me, he's not a problem, and I love him more than anything. Just because you may have feelings for me doesn't mean that you get to try and bash my boyfriend because he's not you. He has issues, but who doesn't? I have issues, you definitely have issues, but he can't help it. I'm not going to sit here and tell you his life story, but I sure as hell am not going to sit back and watch you disrespect him. I'm sorry that we didn't hit it off, and I love being friends with you, but not if you're going to talk about Robin like that. Now you either go out there and apologise to him, or we're going to leave and everything we ever had is over. Do you understand me?"

 

Mark listened to Jack as he spoke, tears brimming his eyes. How could he get Jack to understand the negative impact that Robin had on him? He shook his head and stood up, "I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel. That's my personal feelings and I don't think he's good for you. It's not because I want you and it's not because I don't like him. It's because I care about you. He's got a negative impact on you and I'm starting to notice it in your personality. I'm not going to apologise for stating my own opinion, and I don't believe that I have anything to apologise for."

 

Jack growled and turned on his heels, "Alright then. So be it. Goodbye, Mark." He opened the door and stormed out into the living area, looking over at Robin and watching him play with Chica, "Come on, Robin. Let's get out of here." He helped his boyfriend up and kissed his forehead, "I love you so much, and I'm not going to make you stay here. Clearly Mark doesn't appreciate what we have and so this friendship is over." He took Robin's hand and guided him to the door, slamming it behind them, "I'm sorry I put you through that for so long."

 

"It's okay," Robin whispered, kissing Jack's cheek and leaning against him as they walked, "I appreciate you standing up for me. No one has ever done that for me before."

 

Jack squeezed Robin's hand in response, taking a shallow breath, "I'd go to the ends of the earth for you."


	5. The Hurricane

 

"Robin? I'm home!" Jack called as he opened the door to their hotel room, feeling a little worried when he didn't get an answer, "Robin?" He called again, knocking on the bathroom door and pushing it open. A wave of relief washed over him when he saw Robin in the shower and not on the floor dying, "Hey, sorry. I just wasn't sure if you heard me or not." He smiled at his lover before closing the door again and taking a seat on the bed; putting his face in his hands, he sighed and laid back on the soft blankets, trying to gather his thoughts. What Mark had said to him the other day had gotten into his head and he just couldn't stop thinking about how Robin was affecting him. Was he really this toxic? Sure, Robin was having a hard time right now since his encounter with Mark; he cried later that night when he thought Seán was asleep, he had become more distant, and he had stated he didn't want to see Mark anymore, but no one could blame him, right? And sure, it was hard on Jack too. With Robin being distant and not very talkative, it worried him. When he would go somewhere and leave Robin alone for a little while, he was never able to shake the unsettling thoughts in the back of his mind that his editor would do something stupid. Seán was always scared about what he was going to find when he got back, but luckily Robin was always just fine. However, always thinking about Robin sometimes impacted his work and he didn't always do the best he could.

 

After what Robin had been though in life, Seán couldn't completely blame him for acting the way he was. Witnessing his mother walking out and abandoning him, having to be in the same house as an abusive father, growing up and getting into drugs, getting into abusive relationships because of drugs, spending time in prison. Life had definitely not been kind to him and Jack was able to see past everything and give Robin a job. He helped the Swede get his life back on track, and he had even paid for his rehab. Even though Robin was ashamed of himself and what he had done, Jack had fallen in love with him and was determined to make their relationship a safe place for him. Things went great, they always did, until someone came along that Robin saw as a threat, especially if Seán was friends with them. Robin would get quiet, he would start getting short with everyone and try to isolate himself. Seán had lost plenty of friends because of Robin, he had put most of his friends at a distance to keep Robin from getting jealous and worked up. Maybe Mark was right after all.

 

Seán was ripped from his thoughts when he heard Robin shuffling out into the room, his eyes shifting over to his boyfriend, "Hey, sweetie," he hummed, sitting up and watching the other man move around the room, "Did you have a nice shower?" He scanned Robin's thin form, a light blush forming on his cheeks the second he dropped his towel, "You know after all this time, I still get flustered when I see you naked." He eyed the scars on Robin's back, smiling sadly. He remembered the day that Robin told him how he got them, he remembered how he couldn't even find the words that could express how much he felt for him. Sighing, Seán stood up and made his way over to his love, tracing a finger over the biggest scar on his back and kissing at his shoulder, "I love you," he cooed, "I love you so much, don't ever forget that. Promise me you won't forget that."

 

Robin tensed when he felt Jack's fingers tracing over his back; he knew exactly where they were and what Jack wanted to say, but he just couldn't bring himself to hear it again. He pulled away and pulled on his boxers, shrugging his shoulders, "For now you do," he replied, grabbing one of his shirts and tugging it over his head, "But what about tomorrow? Or a week from now, a year from now? Will you still love me then?" He pushed passed Jack and headed into the bathroom again, closing the door behind him. He wanted to believe in Jack, oh did he ever, but there was something inside him that just wouldn't let him do that. It was hell.

 

"Robin," Jack sighed, following his editor into the bathroom and holding his waist, "I wish you didn't think like that. You know that I love you, and I'll always be here no matter what happens." He ran his lips up Robin's shoulder, squeezing him tighter when he heard him begin to sniffle. He had when Robin cried - it always broke his heart to hear it. "Hey, baby, don't cry," he whispered, turning his boyfriend around and cupping his face, "You're the one I want. I don't want Mark or Ethan or anybody else. I want you. Robin Torkar. You're a beautiful man with a beautiful soul and I don't hold anything you've ever done against you." He hugged Robin against his chest when he began to cry, trying to sooth him best he could, "Shh, baby. It's okay. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

 

"He wants to take you away from me," Robin sobbed, laying against Jack and trying to catch his breath, "He wants me out of the picture so he can have you to himself because he thinks I'm not good for you and I know I'm not good for you!" Robin sobbed into Jack's shoulder, feeling completely helpless in that moment, "I'm not good for you, Seán. I've done so many bad things and I don't want to turn on you one day."

 

"Don't ever say that," Jack scolded, his voice still calm and quiet, "You're not going to turn on me. I will never hold any of that against you. You did what you had to do to survive, but now you're here. It's safe here with me, and I won't let anybody hurt you ever again. No one is taking us away from each other. I promise, okay?" When Robin nodded, he cupped the other man's face and pressed a tender kiss against his lips, his eyes falling shut, "I love you, " he breathed against his lips, picking Robin up in his arms and carrying him over to the bed. He laid the ginger down on the bed and kissed down his neck, letting Robin relax under his touch, "It's okay, I've got you."

 

"And I trust you," Robin replied, tilting his neck to the side. His eyes were half lidded when they met Seán's once again, a weak smile spreading on his face, "I love you too, and I always will."

 

"I always will too, I promise," Jack purred, easing Robin out of his boxers and pulling the blankets over the two of them with smile, "I promise."


	6. Light Me Up

Jack had woken up early that morning. It was way before the sun was up, and it was all too quiet outside to be anywhere after five. He sat up in bed and looked down at Robin, who was finally sleeping peacefully after his slight breakdown. He ran his fingers through the short ginger locks and smiled, "I love you," he whispered, leaning back against the pillow and grabbing his laptop from the bedside table. As his thoughts began to wander, he looked down at Robin again, his eyes scanning over the scars that were scattered about his arms and that were on his torso, "It's okay."

 

Seán's thoughts continued to wander throughout the passing minutes and he was beginning to wonder what help Robin could possibly get. Even though Robin didn't put a lot of trust in people very easily, Seán knew that someone would be table to get through to him. He was by no means any sort of professional in dealing with such a thing, but it was time for Robin to see someone that was. He loved Robin and would do anything for him, and he had by making some rather drastic changes to his life and his friend circle but he knew they were in no way permanent. It was hard, of course, but Robin was his priority. Some might wonder if Seán really loved Robin or just felt sorry for him, but he knew that he loved him more than anything. He knew from the start that even in the most bitter storms he would be there for Robin. Robin would never have to suffer again.

 

As morning quickly rolled around and the sun was just beginning to peek through the curtains of their hotel room, Jack had found quite a lot of therapists for Robin to consider around the Brighton area and was quite proud with himself. He had written them all down on post-it note and stuck it next to the trackpad as a reminder to talk to Robin about it later. For now, though, he was going back to sleep if his life depended on it, but not before Emailing each therapist for prices and hoping to interview them a small bit before going to meet them face to face with Robin. Sighing, he closed his laptop and laid back down, curling around Robin and kissing the hickey on his shoulder. When Robin stirred, Jack silently hoped that he wasn't waking up for the day - for fucks sake he had gotten up at what was probably about four in the morning and wanted to go back to sleep.

 

"Seán?" Robin grumbled, rubbing his eyes and looking at his boyfriend, "What are you doing up?"

 

"Going back to sleep. Woke up and did some work. Go back to sleep, love. It's way too early." Seán sighed and ran his nails over Robin's back, kissing at his shoulder blades until Robin settled back down and eventually drifting off to sleep, Seán following him soon after.

 

 

 

When Jack woke up a few hours later, Robin was already stirring about the room. By the smell and the slight warmth of the room, he probably just got out of the shower. Lazily, Jack sat up in bed and fluffed his hair a little bit, "What time is it, baby?" He questioned, looking around the room and all but cringing at the bright sunlight coming through the window of their room.

 

"A little after eleven. I was going to wake you up soon since we have to get to the convention. I went out and got us breakfast, yours is sitting over on the desk. Your phone has been ringing a lot so I took your calls and wrote down everything you need to return. Your manager called and wants to run a few things by you, your doctor called and said it's almost time for you to come in again, and Mark called and said he wanted to talk to you. I also had to borrow your laptop for a couple things since my programmes were acting up, I hope you don't mind. Though, I wanted to ask you about what those numbers were on the post-it note on your computer. I was afraid I would smudge the writing if I put my wrist on it."

 

"You did all that? You're the best, baby," Jack cooed, standing up and pressing a kiss to the corner of Robin's mouth. He made his way over to the desk and happily grabbed the styrofoam box and opened it, grinning stupidly when he saw the breakfast contents inside. He was about to start digging in when he heard Robin's question and he froze for a moment. Obviously Robin was having one of his good days, and Jack almost didn't want to ruin it. Sighing, he set the box back down on the desk and ran a hand through his hair, "I was hoping for a better time to talk about this than right now but.." He paused, wondering how he could word this without sounding like he was tired of Robin's issues, "I just.. Robin, you know I love you and want the best for you, but sometimes I think you tend to forget that I'm not a professional and I don't specialise in anything that can give you true help. I know you trust me, and I know it's hard for you to put trust into other people, but I think it's time that you went to see a therapist."

 

Robin frowned for a moment. His confusion soon turned to a combination of anger and sadness; tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at Jack, "You're tired of me, aren't you?" Robin squeaked out, trying to blink back the tears that were so close to falling, "You know how I feel about therapists, Seán! I don't want to go to someone that gets paid to try and make me feel better. What if they tell someone? What if they know everyone that used to abuse me? What if-"

 

"Robin!" Jack said quickly, cutting off his lover's rambling, "Robin, breathe for me. Okay? I want you to hear me out on this." He guided Robin back to the bed and sat him down before pulling up a chair and sitting down in front of him, "Baby, it's not that I'm tired of you finding comfort in me. That's not it at all. I love that you are able to trust me enough to come to me when you're feeling threatened or scared or sad, okay? However, I can only do so much. I feel like I can't give you any kind of help anymore, but there are people out there that can. These people aren't paid to care about your problems, Robin. That's not how therapy works, and if that were the case then I think anyone would be able to do it. Therapists help you learn how to deal with yourself. They can help you find healthy ways to cope and how to control urges. I can't do that for you, even though I wish more than anything that I could. I'll even go with you if you want me to. I just think that you need more than what I'm being able to offer."

 

Robin looked down at his lap, wrapping his arms around himself, "But what if they know the people who hurt me?"

 

"I promise you, Robin, they won't," Seán assured, lacing his fingers with the Swede's, "But if they do, then we'll find another and I'll do whatever I can to keep you safe. Please just consider it. For me. You've been helped before with the suicide hotlines, but that's only the case when it gets to that point. If you go to therapy then it's possible that you won't ever be there again. Robin Torkar, I promise you that going to see a therapist is not showing weakness, it's not showing any kind of vulnerability. It's going to make you stronger. You'll finally be able to take on the world like you thought you would when you were young! Please at least consider it. For me."

 

Robin thought for a moment before he looked up at Seán and nodded, hesitantly. "Okay," he murmured, squeezing Seán's hands tightly, "But I want you to come with me. Please? I don't want to be in there alone."

 

"I'll be right there. Holding you hand. You have my word." Seán smiled and cupped Robin's face in his hands before pressing their lips together in a passionate and tender kiss, "I'll never leave you alone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had most of this written out before Seán's stream yesterday (7 January), but I managed to finish it today with a little bit more meaning in the quotes here. However, as something that is very personal with me, I want everyone that reads this to know that you are definitely not alone and you never will be. Mental health is a very serious issue that needs to be addressed more than it is. As Seán said in this story and in the stream, it's not weak to seek help, and it's probably the strongest thing you could possibly do. That quote is going to forever be very important to me the rest of my life and I am very proud to be in such a loving community. I love each and everyone of you that read this, and if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to message me on tumblr (cosmicmath.tumblr.com). My ask box and IMs are always open. Everyone is valid, everyone's emotions are valid, and everyone is not alone. So from the bottom of my heart, me, Simon Torkar, the author of this story, thank you for being here on this earth to read this. Your strength can and will give people hope of their own one day. I believe in all of you.


	7. Nightmare

"Robin?" Jack called as he shut the door behind him, looking around the empty room. He felt that all too familiar wave of anxiety wash over him as he set his things down on the floor and began to scan the apartment, "Robin?" He called out again.

 

There was a little bit of relief when he opened the bathroom door and didn't see Robin on the floor or in the shower, but the anxiety definitely didn't subside. Seán quietly closed the door ad made his way into their bedroom, mentally preparing himself as he opened the door. He sighed in relief when he saw Robin sitting in their windowsill and looking out the window; though he knew Robin was off. He had his soundproof headphones on, the lights off, and he could see small bits of blood beginning to seep through the light blue of Robin's sweater. His heart sank as he made his way over to Robin and laid a hand on his shoulder. The Irishman jumped back when Robin whipped around and pointed a knife at him, his hands flying up in a defensive manner, "Hey, it's just me, baby.." He cooed, slowly inching forward and easing the headphones off of his boyfriend's head, "It's just me." He didn't move for the knife that Robin slowly lowering, but instead he moved for Robin's left sleeve, ignoring his lover's look of fear as he pushed up the sleeve. His heart completely sank.

 

"I'm sorry," Robin whispered, dropping the knife to the floor and trying to keep from meeting Seán's eyes. He tugged his arm back and held himself close, his heart racing, "Please just go away.." The Swede whined when Seán took hold of his arm again, but he couldn't bring himself to take it back this time. Seán had to see what he was becoming all over again. Even after four months of going to therapy, everything still continued to crumble around him. At this point in time, Robin knew he was incurable and he only wished Seán could see it too.

 

Seán held Robin's hand in his, kissing his knuckles before slowly pushing up the light blue sleeve that had been stained with droplets of red. When he saw the word 'MONSTER' carved deep into his boyfriend's arm, he sighed and shook his head. Everything was getting to be too much, and he was finally starting to see it. Therapy was't helping - if anything, Robin had definitely gotten much worse over these four months he had been going to therapy. Things were not going the way that Seán had hoped that they would do. He needed a break. He needed to get away from it all, but he couldn't just leave Robin all alone like this. Hesitantly, Seán stood up and pressed a kiss to Robin's forehead, "You're not a monster, baby. You're beautiful, and I love you more than anything. We're going to find you some help, I promise. Now let's get you cleaned up, alright?" He helped Robin stand and guided him into the bathroom, turning on the tap and holding the other man tightly in his arms as the water warmed up, "I love you so much, little bird. Okay? I want you to know that."

 

Robin avoided Seán's gaze, hissing as the warm water touched the open wounds on his arms, "Okay," he murmured, keeping his eyes on the floor. He wanted to spill everything to Jack. Tell him how much he was hurting, how much he hated therapy, how much he hated himself and was just ready to end it all, but he knew he couldn't. Jack would just send him to another therapist and try to brush it off as something that could be fixed. It couldn't. It could never be fixed or taken back, no matter how much Robin wanted to make it all go away. After spending so long repressing every traumatic memory so he could seem somewhat normal to everyone, that therapist had to just bring them all back again. He'd had enough of it all. "Just wanna die," he whispered, tensing when his love began to wrap up the wounds, "I want it all to go away."

 

Without a word, Seán helped Robin to his feet and carefully guided him back to the bed, letting him lay down, "Take a nap, baby. You look like you haven't slept in ages." He sat on the bed beside Robin and smiled as best he could, slowly rubbing his back in hopes of putting him to sleep. "We'll figure something out, baby. You don't have to go to therapy anymore. It's gonna be okay. I know it's hard, baby bird, but we'll get through it. We always to."

 

It didn't take very long for Robin to fall asleep, and when he did, Jack finally got up and made his way back down to the kitchen. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do at this point. Therapy had made everything worse. He needed a break. It was getting to be all too much.

 

 

Later that evening when Robin finally had woken up, he rolled out of bed and wrapped a blanket around himself, finally making his way downstairs. He frowned when he saw Seán sitting in the kitchen, staring off into space. "Jack?" He called, sitting down in front of his boyfriend. Watching him for a little bit, "Everything alright?"

 

Jack had dreaded having to this conversation the entire time Robin was asleep. He didn't know how Robin was going to take it, and it scared him. He took a breath and looked up at his boyfriend, smiling weakly, "I'm going back to LA. My flight is in an hour. I'm already packed and I.. I just needed to tell you, but I don't trust you to be here alone. I'm sorry it has to be this way, Robin, I really am. I love you with every ounce of my being, which is exactly why I'm saying what I am. This isn't healthy for either of us. It's not healthy for you to feel like you have to surprise traumatic memories for me, and it's not healthy for me to have to.. deal with, for lack of a better word, your problems. I'm taking you to the hospital up the road and having you admitted. I'm not qualified to help you, even though I wish I could, but there's nothing left that I can do. I'm sorry, I am, but I think some time apart is something we both need. If there was another way to do this, I would definitely be considering it but there isn't. You're suicidal and I'm afraid that if I leave you alone with your thoughts around all of this, then it's going to end badly." He looked up at Robin, who looked like he was about to break down any second. "Maybe they can help you there. Even if they can't, I'll know that you're safe."

 

"I won't do anything, I- I promise!" Robin wiped his tears away as he shot up out of his seat, already shaking like mad. It was a lie and they both knew it. If he had the chance to be alone and end it all, he would take it. Seán knew that, but Robin just wished that he would let it happen. Everything would be better. For both of them.

 

"I'm sorry, Robin, I really am, but we both know that you're lying to me." Jack stood up and grabbed Robin's hand, squeezing it for a second before he led him out to the car. He let Robin settle down in the passenger side before he made his way around to the driver's side. Was he making the right choice? Was Robin really going to be safe at the hospital? As Seán started the car, he pulled off and looked over at Robin, who was only in a t-shirt, sweatpants, and socks.

 

 

When they arrived at the hospital, Seán took hold of Robin's arm and led him inside, explaining to the desk worker what needed to be done. When the nurse told them to have a seat, Jack watched as Robin sat down and curled in on himself. He sat down next to the Swede and kissed his temple, "This isn't just for me. I have peace of mind in knowing that you're safe, and they can help you here. I have faith in it. Can you at least give it a chance for me, please?" He waited for Robin to reply, but knew it wasn't coming. Robin was shutting everyone out again.

 

After the doctor finally arrived, Jack helped Robin up and wrapped him up in a tight hug, "It's going to be okay. I'll be back in a few weeks. Just be brave for me." He kissed Robin's forehead, letting his lips linger for a while before he stepped back and let the doctor take hold of Robin, "Bye, baby. It's going to be okay."

 

"I thought you loved me," Robin squeaked out as he was grabbed by the arm and guided back farther into the hospital. He looked back at Jack, tears rolling down his face, "I thought I was your everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This killed my soul to write.


End file.
